I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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