I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize