last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
