Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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