Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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