I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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