my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
time to smoke my breakfast
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
