did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
