So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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