Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
