So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
