You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Randomize
