My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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