please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
