no, he came in my armpit
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
