Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
