just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
