I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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