everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
