i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
