There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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