Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
too bad you live with your parents still
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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