barbara walters just said penis...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
