I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
