I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
