would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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