We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Mom said you looked used
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
