we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
They are going to name an STD after you.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
