I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Liz is crying about burritos again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
