Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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