If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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