If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
