oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
