We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
