I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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