My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
