ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
