I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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