Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
