its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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