Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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