OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My balls are so social today.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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