My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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