im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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