I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
