I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
