They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
