I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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