i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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