My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
