Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
