I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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