The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
