chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Congratulations! We have a period
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
